Hello Again!

Arrite.. Been a loooong time....

And I wanna start again...

A lot has changed of course... I am mom now :D
Yeah...

Ishaan will give me the opportunity to write and express myself again...

So.. this is what I am gonna do... Once I return to Kol.. I am gonna spend atleast an hour with my iPad.. writing.. (Errr..as long as he naps i.e.)

I hope I am able to keep up with that...

Another thing which I have picked up during my waaaayyyy loooooong pregnancy(It was just 9 months I know.. but they seemed like forever!!) is CROCHETING!

And I am so damned inspired by Lucy.. I wanna make my blog look like hers... And I wanna post happy pictures of Home.. hearth and motherhood :D

Lets see what happens in next few months..

See you soon (Hopefully!)

Tell me why?

Why is it that her respect is important and mine isn't?

Why is it that her feelings are feelings mine are bullshit.

Why is it that I m not allowed to express my fears, my worries and my feelings.

Why is it that I have to become secondary in your life, when I am not afraid to tell the world that you are most important in my life?

Am I so unimportant?

I did it..

Yes I did....

And I got what I wanted.... I am with the man who taught me how to love myself... and I did... I started loving myself.. but loved him more..

After being in love with him for 4 years.. after beig patient for 4 years ... I got what I wanted... A ring on my finger and a gold-iron bangle on my left wrist!! (A Bengali custom)

Being married to Jackass is not easy... oh no.. Or maybe some women might say being married to any man is not easy... I deal with remanants of his bachelor days... I deal with his laziness.. his crazy work hours and I deal with the household chores!

But at the end of the day.. it was my decision... I DID IT... and frankly I am glad I did it...

Tomorrow, I am leaving for Mom's house... visiting them for the first time after 1.5 months of marriage.... and I feel good and bad at the same time... good for obvious reasons and bad for leaving a piece of my soul behihnd...

This one is for you... the other half of my soul...

Thank you for being there, loving me and making me feel complete! (Sheesh.. that sounds cliched!)

Clouds & reality...

I am running after a cloud....

The one which i can see... it looks like a horse with two heads... wait no it doesn't.. not anymore.. It looks more like a giant Popsicle now... or maybe like  the devil's head!! Can you see those two little clouds there? They definitely look like horns!

Thunder... rain... lightening... it represents everything that is dangerous... everything that i love... the little adventurous soul that I am :|

Running after a cloud... that elusive little cloud...

I still remember.. walking in the clouds... They wrap around you... like damp, cottony & soft blankets... covering you.. making everything look ethereal... everything unreal...

But what happens when you try to hold on to them... you cant... you will be clawing empty air... 

*

I finally have a place, I can call home..... people i can call mine.... People I know will not let me down & be there with me... all my life.. loving me... caring for me....

I see clouds parting.. I know I have found my sun....

Random Thoughts

Its 2.10 AM... I am sleepy but I don't want to sleep... I feel horrible... No I think I feel fine.. I am humming "You'll think of me" by Keith Urban.. What I really want to do is sing it loud.. So that Mom & Dad will wake up and shout at me for creating a ruckus at this time of the night...

I want a new iPod.. The new shuffle!! I also want a nail polish which is metallic, glittery and of a color which would put the fluorescent highlighters to shame... I bought clothes, I know I am not going to wear often... I want to slap a certain boy to his senses ... I want to go on a loooong vacation.... to a forest or maybe to a place where there are beaches and sunshine to scorch me to a warm delicious mocha shade...

I wish my body would go back to its routine of going to sleep at 12 AM and waking up at 6 AM... I want to start jogging in the mornings rather than the evening when mosquitoes are on a killing spree.... I want it to rain.. so that I can get drenched on the terrace of my home again.. its been ages since I've done that!!! I am PMSing and I hate it ... I hate the fact that my body bloats up.. and I feel fat... I wish I was so pretty that I had a trail of men following me... NO!! I don't want that.. I think men are horrible, egoistic dogs... I like a boy .. I hated him when I was a little girl... He lives far away... I wish I am able to meet him one day... Its been what? 17 years since I have met him.... *Sigh*

My room is in a mess again... I see clothes strewn on the bed and on the carpet.... I also see that its 2.34 AM now ... I wish I was able to get up and turn the darned AC off.. its freezing me.... I wish I would stop looking at my cellphone again and again.. waiting for I don't know what... My mom bought so many deodorants from the CSD canteen.. its not even funny!! She mollycoddles me.... I also know that Yardley can afford to sell deodorants cheap.... I miss Delhi... I want to move to *Wish I Knew Where*... I think I've got addicted to playing UNO on Facebook ... I know I am talking like a .

I am humming Eels' "I Need some Sleep" now ... I want a home theater.. so that i can watch at least 5 movies everyday... I want to paint my room neon blue.. or maybe black? I want a tattoo.. No.. I want two... One one my right shoulder blade and another on my left ankle... I saw a girl n Udaipur... She had a tattoo on her neck... a small red heart.. I was sooooo... jealous!!!

I think I'm talking nonsense now .. time for me to hit the sack.. Goodnight!

p.s. I am singing Dido's "I am no " right now.... this song is coming back to me again and again since I've told V that he is no angel so he should stop pretending to be one

Tussel between heart and head

Life's a tussle between Heart and Head.

I am there.... again... where my heart and head are not in the agreement... and trust me its a pain... not to know what's next.

I just had a chat with 'A'...she says wait and watch... I don't want to wait... I have waited enough, for one thing or the other... Every time I wait for something I think of that Madonna number 'Hung up'...

Time goes by so slowly for those who wait
No time to hesitate
Those who run seem to have all the fun..
I'm caught up
I don't know what to do

In past few days i have two people saying that they want to get in touch with their finer feelings and emotions...I want to know why?

Isn't being emotional, considered foolhardy? So should we listen to our heads?

On the other hand, people who use their heads are considered hard, unemotional and rational.... Which sounds soooo... boring!

What do you say?

Perfection

I made a mistake, long time ago. I got into a relationship (It wasn't even that!) which started and ended exactly in 3 months time; there was nothing left, at the end of the three months. All that was left was a broken 'me', with a broken engagement and a stronger resolve to be independent and a desire to be accepted just the way I am.

What is funny about me is that I mostly don't learn from my mistakes (Uh.. I know it's actually stupid!). So, here I am, almost three years down the last debacle, to something similar. Thankfully, not as 'heart-wrenching' as the last one! (That's the DRAMA QUEEN in me speaking!) But, I am glad I did not end up making things as bad as they were last time!

Tell me? is it wrong to expect somebody to accept you with your flaws? I don't think so. Yet , there are people in this world who expect you to be PERFECT. Its not that I am against improving myself for the better, but who decides what is good for me and what is not?

What is perfection?

According to Wikipedia (Hail Wiki! Our savior and best friend!):

The oldest definition of "perfection", fairly precise and distinguishing the shades of the concept, goes back to Aristotle. In Book Delta of the Metaphysics, he distinguishes three meanings of the term, or rather three shades of one meaning, but in any case three different concepts. That is perfect:

1. which is complete — which contains all the requisite parts;
2. which is so good that nothing of the kind could be better;
3. which has attained its purpose

Well...??

2 Months Ago:

I was depressed. I was feeling shitty thinking about the conversation I had with his mom. Her words were haunting me. "You are FAT (Oh well, she said overweight!) J. you need to lose weight." It was history repeating itself.

I looked at P. He was driving quietly. I took a long hard look at him. I could see a stick and bone figure.... So skinny...

I looked at myself. A few extra pounds, generous curves and a healthy body (The Indian one!), compared to his slight frame. "You guys WOULD make an odd couple." Said my mind.

He stopped next to my car, looked at me and smiled.

"I guess its time I left." I heard myself say, when i actually wanted to scream out loud that, I did not want to go home.. I want another long drive.! It is usually the time when I could block my mind from thinking about the repercussions of what I was doing..

"Hmm...' He said. He looked sad. He always looked sad when it was time for me to leave. "You know what J? You're such a lovely girl. It's just that you speak too much and that you need to lose some weight. You would be 'PERFECT' if you take care of these things."

I was sitting there, staring at him wondering "What the hell was THAT?"

"Umm.. OK...I will try." I said. I got down, got in my car and drove off after waving bye to him. On my way home, all I thought about was perfection. "What is perfection? Do I miss a limb or two? Is there something wrong or missing in me? Oh well.. whatever..!!"

I reached home, sat down and thought. Since the time I knew him, he has pointed out several times that i am overweight. Despite the fact , that he knew I broke off an engagement due to a debate on my physical attributes. Despite the fact that he knew it disturbed me to be judged on my appearance. I am NOT bad to look at!

Based on my conversions with him and his family, I realized that, for them, a 'perfect daughter-in-law' would be someone who is:

1. Thin like a reed.
2. Quiet like a statue.
   
3. Dressed like somebody who has stepped out of the pages of the 'Vogue'.

Well... too bad.. I don't fit that criterion! "Time to move on girl!" Said my mind.

17 March 2009, 2.45 AM:

Here I am, sitting and writing my thoughts. In past one month I have lost 2 kgs of weight. I look fit, healthy and hail (Although my generous curves still remain. the same..*sigh*...) I speak less, because I seldom have anyone to speak to. Since I don't go to work these days, I've reverted to my old jeans and t-shirts (Not even remotely fashionable!)

It's been 3 days since I have decided not to be friends with 'P'. I tried..... Gave it my best shot..... despite my friend's warnings, requests and displeasure of my family.. He is a lonely guy, few friends and a mountain load of work... I know he could use some company.. But, then again, Its quite possible that he has got used to his own company and don't really require anyone!

His presence in my life, for past one month, has been like a thorn in my ass! always hurting.


I think It's better this way, for I know I may not be PERFECT, but I am as good as it gets!

I am on a break...

So I am back..

To the square one..
To the place where I began...


Mid life crisis?
Confusion?
Boredom?

I really don't know what got me here....

Enlightenment?
Love?
Spiritual healing?
Conciliation with my soul?

I don't know what I am looking for....

But..
What I've come to know is that 'Peace' is an illusion.... always within and out of your reach....


I hope this break proves me wrong...

78mm Adventures: The Wilderness Calls

The Wilderness Calls

Why do we hate our jobs?

Job...

Something that makes me drag my weary ###### outta my bed every morning.. drive through a sea of demented drivers for 30 minutes... spend 10 hours or more staring at a an intelligent machine which can do calculations faster than i ever could and create beautiful presentations and reports... in between I juggle phones, talking to useless dumb ######!

Result: I go home every evening, tired but happy that i have something to look forward to next day and i sleep peacefully because i have a job with which i can pay my bills and have fun every evening and weekend!


Being jobless is scary.... 

Hence: Its what we make of it... Happy or unhappy is a state of mind and very much under our control