Etchings On My Soul

Tell me why?

2011-01-14T00:27:00.000+05:30

Why is it that her respect is important and mine isn't?

Why is it that her feelings are feelings mine are bullshit.

Why is it that I m not allowed to express my fears, my worries and my feelings.

Why is it that I have to become secondary in your life, when I am not afraid to tell the world that you are most important in my life?

Am I so unimportant?

I did it..

2010-03-14T11:47:00.000+05:30

Yes I did....

And I got what I wanted.... I am with the man who taught me how to love myself... and I did... I started loving myself.. but loved him more..

After being in love with him for 4 years.. after beig patient for 4 years ... I got what I wanted... A ring on my finger and a gold-iron bangle on my left wrist!! (A Bengali custom)

Being married to Jackass is not easy... oh no.. Or maybe some women might say being married to any man is not easy... I deal with remanants of his bachelor days... I deal with his laziness.. his crazy work hours and I deal with the household chores!

But at the end of the day.. it was my decision... I DID IT... and frankly I am glad I did it...

Tomorrow, I am leaving for Mom's house... visiting them for the first time after 1.5 months of marriage.... and I feel good and bad at the same time... good for obvious reasons and bad for leaving a piece of my soul behihnd...

This one is for you... the other half of my soul...

Thank you for being there, loving me and making me feel complete! (Sheesh.. that sounds cliched!)

Clouds & reality...

2009-07-27T01:58:00.006+05:30

I am running after a cloud....

The one which i can see... it looks like a horse with two heads... wait no it doesn't.. not anymore.. It looks more like a giant Popsicle now... or maybe like the devil's head!! Can you see those two little clouds there? They definitely look like horns!

Thunder... rain... lightening... it represents everything that is dangerous... everything that i love... the little adventurous soul that I am :|

Running after a cloud... that elusive little cloud...

I still remember.. walking in the clouds... They wrap around you... like damp, cottony & soft blankets... covering you.. making everything look ethereal... everything unreal...

But what happens when you try to hold on to them... you cant... you will be clawing empty air...

I finally have a place, I can call home..... people i can call mine.... People I know will not let me down & be there with me... all my life.. loving me... caring for me....

I see clouds parting.. I know I have found my sun....

Random Thoughts

2009-04-24T02:10:00.007+05:30

Its 2.10 AM... I am sleepy but I don't want to sleep... I feel horrible... No I think I feel fine.. I am humming "You'll think of me" by Keith Urban.. What I really want to do is sing it loud.. So that Mom & Dad will wake up and shout at me for creating a ruckus at this time of the night...

I want a new iPod.. The new shuffle!! I also want a nail polish which is metallic, glittery and of a color which would put the fluorescent highlighters to shame... I bought clothes, I know I am not going to wear often... I want to slap a certain boy to his senses ... I want to go on a loooong vacation.... to a forest or maybe to a place where there are beaches and sunshine to scorch me to a warm delicious mocha shade...

I wish my body would go back to its routine of going to sleep at 12 AM and waking up at 6 AM... I want to start jogging in the mornings rather than the evening when mosquitoes are on a killing spree.... I want it to rain.. so that I can get drenched on the terrace of my home again.. its been ages since I've done that!!! I am PMSing and I hate it ... I hate the fact that my body bloats up.. and I feel fat... I wish I was so pretty that I had a trail of men following me... NO!! I don't want that.. I think men are horrible, egoistic dogs... I like a boy .. I hated him when I was a little girl... He lives far away... I wish I am able to meet him one day... Its been what? 17 years since I have met him.... *Sigh*

My room is in a mess again... I see clothes strewn on the bed and on the carpet.... I also see that its 2.34 AM now ... I wish I was able to get up and turn the darned AC off.. its freezing me.... I wish I would stop looking at my cellphone again and again.. waiting for I don't know what... My mom bought so many deodorants from the CSD canteen.. its not even funny!! I also know that Yardley can afford to sell deodorants cheap.... I miss Delhi... I want to move to *Wish I Knew Where*... I think I've got addicted to playing UNO on Facebook ... I know I am talking like a .

I am humming Eels' "I Need some Sleep" now ... I want a home theater.. so that i can watch at least 5 movies everyday... I want to paint my room neon blue.. or maybe black? I want a tattoo.. No.. I want two... One one my right shoulder blade and another on my left ankle... I saw a girl n Udaipur... She had a tattoo on her neck... a small red heart.. I was sooooo... jealous!!!

I think I'm talking nonsense now .. time for me to hit the sack.. Goodnight!

p.s. I am singing Dido's "I am no " right now.... this song is coming back to me again and again since I've told V that he is no angel so he should stop pretending to be one

Tussel between heart and head

2009-04-16T01:28:00.009+05:30

Life's a tussle between Heart and Head.

I am there.... again... where my heart and head are not in the agreement... and trust me its a pain... not to know what's next.

I just had a chat with 'A'...she says wait and watch... I don't want to wait... I have waited enough, for one thing or the other... Every time I wait for something I think of that Madonna number 'Hung up'...

Time goes by so slowly for those who wait
No time to hesitate
Those who run seem to have all the fun..
I'm caught up
I don't know what to do

In past few days i have two people saying that they want to get in touch with their finer feelings and emotions...I want to know why?

Isn't being emotional, considered foolhardy? So should we listen to our heads?

On the other hand, people who use their heads are considered hard, unemotional and rational.... Which sounds soooo... boring!

What do you say?

Perfection

2009-03-17T01:10:00.011+05:30

I made a mistake, long time ago. I got into a relationship (It wasn't even that!) which started and ended exactly in 3 months time; there was nothing left, at the end of the three months. All that was left was a broken 'me', with a broken engagement and a stronger resolve to be independent and a desire to be accepted just the way I am.

What is funny about me is that I mostly don't learn from my mistakes (Uh.. I know it's actually stupid!). So, here I am, almost three years down the last debacle, to something similar. Thankfully, not as 'heart-wrenching' as the last one! (That's the DRAMA QUEEN in me speaking!) But, I am glad I did not end up making things as bad as they were last time!

Tell me? is it wrong to expect somebody to accept you with your flaws? I don't think so. Yet , there are people in this world who expect you to be PERFECT. Its not that I am against improving myself for the better, but who decides what is good for me and what is not?

What is perfection?

According to Wikipedia (Hail Wiki! Our savior and best friend!):

The oldest definition of "perfection", fairly precise and distinguishing the shades of the concept, goes back to Aristotle. In Book Delta of the Metaphysics, he distinguishes three meanings of the term, or rather three shades of one meaning, but in any case three different concepts. That is perfect:

which is complete — which contains all the requisite parts;
which is so good that nothing of the kind could be better;
which has attained its purpose

Well...??

2 Months Ago:

I was depressed. I was feeling shitty thinking about the conversation I had with his mom. Her words were haunting me. "You are FAT (Oh well, she said overweight!) J. you need to lose weight." It was history repeating itself.

I looked at P. He was driving quietly. I took a long hard look at him. I could see a stick and bone figure.... So skinny...

I looked at myself. A few extra pounds, generous curves and a healthy body (The Indian one!), compared to his slight frame. "You guys WOULD make an odd couple." Said my mind.

He stopped next to my car, looked at me and smiled.

"I guess its time I left." I heard myself say, when i actually wanted to scream out loud that, I did not want to go home.. I want another long drive.! It is usually the time when I could block my mind from thinking about the repercussions of what I was doing..

"Hmm...' He said. He looked sad. He always looked sad when it was time for me to leave. "You know what J? You're such a lovely girl. It's just that you speak too much and that you need to lose some weight. You would be 'PERFECT' if you take care of these things."

I was sitting there, staring at him wondering "What the hell was THAT?"

"Umm.. OK...I will try." I said. I got down, got in my car and drove off after waving bye to him. On my way home, all I thought about was perfection. "What is perfection? Do I miss a limb or two? Is there something wrong or missing in me? Oh well.. whatever..!!"

I reached home, sat down and thought. Since the time I knew him, he has pointed out several times that i am overweight. Despite the fact , that he knew I broke off an engagement due to a debate on my physical attributes. Despite the fact that he knew it disturbed me to be judged on my appearance. I am NOT bad to look at!

Based on my conversions with him and his family, I realized that, for them, a 'perfect daughter-in-law' would be someone who is:

Thin like a reed.
Quiet like a statue.
Dressed like somebody who has stepped out of the pages of the 'Vogue'.

Well... too bad.. I don't fit that criterion! "Time to move on girl!" Said my mind.

17 March 2009, 2.45 AM:

Here I am, sitting and writing my thoughts. In past one month I have lost 2 kgs of weight. I look fit, healthy and hail (Although my generous curves still remain. the same..*sigh*...) I speak less, because I seldom have anyone to speak to. Since I don't go to work these days, I've reverted to my old jeans and t-shirts (Not even remotely fashionable!)

It's been 3 days since I have decided not to be friends with 'P'. I tried..... Gave it my best shot..... despite my friend's warnings, requests and displeasure of my family.. He is a lonely guy, few friends and a mountain load of work... I know he could use some company.. But, then again, Its quite possible that he has got used to his own company and don't really require anyone!

His presence in my life, for past one month, has been like a thorn in my ass! always hurting.

I think It's better this way, for I know I may not be PERFECT, but I am as good as it gets!

I am on a break...

2009-03-11T01:26:00.005+05:30

So I am back..

To the square one..
To the place where I began...

Mid life crisis?
Confusion?
Boredom?

I really don't know what got me here....

Enlightenment?
Love?
Spiritual healing?
Conciliation with my soul?

I don't know what I am looking for....

But..
What I've come to know is that 'Peace' is an illusion.... always within and out of your reach....

I hope this break proves me wrong...

78mm Adventures: The Wilderness Calls

2008-12-23T21:54:00.002+05:30

The Wilderness Calls

Why do we hate our jobs?

2008-11-01T14:42:00.002+05:30

Job...

Something that makes me drag my weary ###### outta my bed every morning.. drive through a sea of demented drivers for 30 minutes... spend 10 hours or more staring at a an intelligent machine which can do calculations faster than i ever could and create beautiful presentations and reports... in between I juggle phones, talking to useless dumb ######!

Result: I go home every evening, tired but happy that i have something to look forward to next day and i sleep peacefully because i have a job with which i can pay my bills and have fun every evening and weekend!

Being jobless is scary....

Hence: Its what we make of it... Happy or unhappy is a state of mind and very much under our control

Looking at something?

2008-10-15T12:44:00.003+05:30

Looking at something?, originally uploaded by shivangmehta12.

Now this is what I call a cute monkey!

For reasons unexplained and unknown to me, I find monkeys cute... This one is one of the cuutest i've found so far...

The photograph has been taken by one of my colleagues. Check out more wildlife photographs from him here.

Lazy Bum

2008-09-07T23:52:00.004+05:30

I don't get time...

I am usually too tired to think when I am home...

I have ten thousand other things to attend to...

I cant think of anything to write about...

I am bored of Internet....

I like reading books and watching more than writing...

and writing is more or less my job now...

Reasons are many...

but the truth is... i am just plain lazy...

3 years & 3 months

2008-07-22T01:13:00.004+05:30

It just hit me...

I just realized...

Its been exactly 3 years and 3 months since I have known you!!!

3 & 3!!!

I know... I know.. its not a great deal... but for me it means 3 years & 3 months of love, affection and companionship...

I still remember the day I met you... I thought you were an ass'ole!! I was wrong.... soooo... wrong... You are not just an ass'ole.. you're also one of the most loving and adorable people I know.

We've been through so much... individually and together... but one thing remained constant.. you unwavering support... which means the world to me...

All the small things... the small talks... the small gifts.. small spats (OK OK BIG ones too!!) and the small dreams... which you've given me, define my life and existence... what would I do without you??

Thank you for changing the meaning of my life....

Hugs...

I have left a piece of my soul there...

2008-06-19T15:30:00.029+05:30

There's nothing much to write about the 'nondescript' start of our journey. We left New Delhi around 3.30 PM. We talked a lot and stopped at various places to eat. It was around 10.30 PM that I started feeling sleepy.

I was dreaming... I could hear strains of 'Hotel California' in the background.. people in the car were singing..

They were singing about cool wind in their hair....

I could feel it on my face... cool wind and scent of pine trees.. It was making my nose twitch.. but I was too tired.. to open my eyes.. or take my arms and hands out the comfort of the woollen stole which warmed me.... It was cold... in the month of June it was positively shocking for my poor frayed nerves... I remembered the sweltering heat and sticky humidity when we left Delhi... which was abated by effective air-conditioning.... I also remembered Haldwani... which was not as bad was Delhi... but was still hot enough to bother us...

What I did not remember was falling asleep... When I heard unison of 'WOWS' a lot of times... I peeked from the corner of my eye.. noticed that the windows were open and we were in a small town...

I woke up peered out of the window and saw tall pine trees and a beautiful lake in the midst of a tiny town. It was Bhimtal. The car stopped all of us got out of the car like kids who have broken loose from their mom's apron strings and rushed towards the wrought iron railing... a place which overlooked the lake... a parking lot.. We parked the car and decided to stay the night there... It was a daunting task to look for a place to stay in the middle of the night.. we managed to check-in in a small inn.. which was near the parking lot and the lake...

Our rooms were utilitarian... no frills... we had to share a bathroom... We were too excited.. about the second leg of our journey.. which would take us to the place which was out destination... Mukteshwar.

The morning was a pain in the neck.... with just one bathroom it was difficult for all of us to brush our teeth and have a shower. We managed.... reached Bhimtal Ghaat had a quick brunch. We stayed there for some time looking at the beautiful lake and spent time aound the lake drinking in the sight....after 2-3 hours we went on our way Mukteshwar.

This time I did not sleep. The way to Mukteshwar was nothing less than enchanting... I was enjoying every bit of it... It was a long way and it took us a longer time because we were stopping every now and then! We stopped at Sargakhet... There was a Gift Shop in that small village which sold Belgian Chocolates!! And there was a campsite called 'Camp Purple' which looked pretty fancy and comfortable for a mere camp!

We went all the way up to the highest peak of Mukteshwar... stopped the car.. roamed around a bit and then looked for a place to stay (Yes.. we were foolish enough to reach there without making any prior arrangements!!) Our worst fears came true when we were unable to find a place to stay... There was a resort of some sorts.. very expensive and the rooms were not that great... We were looking for a suite where all us can crash together. Somebody suggested driving back to Sargakhet.. and yes.. We found a place to stay!

It was an inn... We managed to get their best room... It was a suite with a huge bedroom with wooden floor and a view of a garden with peach trees laden with lovely pink fruits! (They were for free!! You can eat as much as you want!) There was a nice bathroom and a tiny sitting room with french windows which opened in a balcony with the most beautiful view of the valley and mountains.

We spent 4 days in Mukteshwar... it wasn't enough to explore the place.. to discover where most of the trails ended and to drink in the fresh, clean air of the place.... Trees looked as if they have come straight out of a horror flick in the misty late afternoon... The roads floated in the clouds in the evenings and stars shone very bright in the night (i.e. when you could see them!)

Most of the days were spent in idyllic sightseeing, hiking, sitting, chatting, roaming around Sargakhet & Mukteshwar... nights were spent around a bonfire... singing, eating and drinking...

The most memorable hike was the one which we took late evening returning from a place called Chaule Ki Jaali... It was dark and we were informed that there are panthers and wild animals in the surrounding forests and they often come out on the roads... We had one torch and It was scary... We talked about ghosts and wild animals all the way...

Another exciting adventure was a natural stone platform overlooking a deep chasm.. a sheer drop of at least 5000 feet... enough to make anyone giddy...We spent close to 4 hours...sitting on that platform... doing nothing at all... It was perhaps one the most daring things I've done in my lifetime...

Soon it was time to go home....

We left... I left.... but the solitude and serenity of the place gave me time to think... rethink and decide on certain things.... I was sorry to leave...

I promised myself that I'll return... if not to take one of those numerous hikes I have missed on... to look for the piece of my soul which i left there....

It was one of those days...

2008-06-08T00:57:00.007+05:30

Yes.. It was one of those days... and as always, there was a proverbial cherry on the cake!!! And today, I just know that I have to write about it and get it off my chest..

Shit is happening at work.... and nothing seems quite right in life.. (I am still positive that something good will come out of it!!)

This is what happened....

(Based on true events!!)

**********************************************************

My head was buzzing and I felt sad... ends are always like this for me... especially if its a happy movie with a tragic end.. but this is no movie... This is part of my life..a chapter... and it looks royally fucked up right now... I am not alone in this drama... there are others involved as well... people I've spent loads of time with.. people who have been like an extended family and they are all sailing with me in the same boat.. in the same waters..

It was finally time to go home, V said "I'll drop you home. Lets go." I did not say much... I just nodded, gathered my stuff and went outside.

I got into the front seat. fastened my seat belt and opened the window. I hate air-conditioners. They are so artificial and they suffocate me... despite the fact that they do provide relief from heat and humidity most of the times.. V got inside.. looked at me and smiled. "Are you okay??" he asked. "Yes" I said. "But I am so pissed off.. with whatever is happening!" "It's alright! Everything will be fine" He said.

He started the car... and we drove off.. It was close to 11.50 PM. Streets were empty...as empty as I was feeling at that time.. I did not speak much. He turned on the radio and we listened to the music.... Nothing registered except for the fact that my window was closed again and the air-conditioner was on. (Damned technology!! Who invented power windows???)

Thirty minutes passed... It was a long drive... but I was close, close to my destination... my home and my haven... I was looking forward to reach... to have something to eat and then surrender to blissful sleep... I thought about V.. His home was farther... i sighed and looked at him.. He was talking with his girlfriend over the phone... He is so young...at 22 everything seems rosy.

"We're almost there." He said, after disconnecting the phone... "Look out!!" I shouted... We almost collided with a car coming straight towards us... It was a narrow street. V swore a couple of times. "Please drive slow." I said. We were nearing an intersection.. He looked at me and smiled "Don't worry!!" he said and then he looked ahead...

All I heard after that was tyres screeching.... Glass shattering and a metallic whine which was deafening me.. i felt light and was thrown against the driver's seat. I felt the impact... against my right shoulder and hip. I also felt a jolt... my neck was hurting me... My ankle was twisted and my ears were ringing... My head felt heavy and I felt an excruciating pain in my right ear... My chest felt as if it would explode...

Everything was black for a moment and there were images flashing. I saw J saying "I love you baby!" I saw mom & dad... smiling... I saw P.. hugging me when she was leaving after getting married.

I was dazed.. all I could whisper was "V!! Are you alright?"

I looked at my side... I saw V holding his shoulder.. and getting out of the car.. He was shouting... I don't know what... My head swam and I started crying... It was a relief... That he was not badly hurt.. I pulled out my phone.. I called J.. he was in the office... I cried... and talked to him... I told him where I was.. what happened (not in detail.. and I know most of it was meaningless babbling) Saint J... being the practical person he is was asking me to disconnect the phone and call the Police or somebody from home. I promised that I'll do exactly what he would say... (God!! accidents make people maudlin!)

I felt the door opening.. I saw an old kindly face...'Uncle' asking me whether I was alright. I got out with his help and almost fainted after seeing what happened to the other car. It was toppled.. sideways... I heard V having an animated conversation with a guy... I presumed he was the one who was driving the other car. He looked alright to me... I sighed again and collapsed in a chair nearby.. It belonged to the guard who takes care of the 'Kindly Uncle's' house. I saw other people around... people who were rudely awakened by the noise. I felt a cold bottle being pressed into my palm. I smiled at "Uncle' and said "Thank You." He also pressed a tube of some pain relieving ointment in my hand and said "My daughter is a doctor. I have a couple of more tubes of the same ointment. Let me know if you need more."

My head was hurting.. so was my cheek.. my ear... and neck.. I looked at the bottle of water.. It was a sealed bottle of mineral water. I pressed it against my cheek.. it felt good.. I opened the bottle and poured some water on my head... I felt faint .. I sat down... pulled out my phone again.. and called up my brother... asking him to pick me up... by that time I realised that the accident happened quite close to my place..

I looked at V's car.. It was smashed up... pretty bad.. on the right side.. and it was forced on a pavement... front was on the pavement.. and rear was still dangling on the road... it was a sorry sight... I thanked my stars...

V was talking to someone... I went to him.... I figured out that this guy was a friend of the gentleman driving the other car. They were talking about not involving the police. When I approached them... V told me that his parents are on their way to pick him up... The guy he was talking to offered to get his driver to drop me at my place.. I declined and told V that M was coming to pick me up...

M came... I said bye to V and thanked the 'Kindly Uncle' vowed that I'll come and meet him again and say thank you with flowers in a day or two... It was pleasantly shocking to see such caring people in an otherwise cold neighbourhood...

I got home... went to my room... dropped all my clothes off and looked at myself in the mirror.. my cheek... It was a bit swollen...my hair were wet and i looked like a bedraggled cat! I noticed that my right ear looked all red and there was a small bump behind it...

My head was still hurting... I went in the bathroom had a quick shower.. found a painkiller in the drawer.. washed it down with water.. applied some of the ointment which uncle gave to me on my neck... shoulder.. hip.. arm and errr.. face...

My phone was ringing... It was A. She heard about the mishap from V ... She was calling to check on me .. I assured her that everything is okay... I disconnected and was sitting on my bed.. thinking... My phone started ringing again... It was J.

"Are you okay J'???" He asked.. and i felt tears prickling my eyes again.. "I love you." I said and went on explaining what is wrong with me and where all its hurting... after 10 minutes.. during which I got several requests from him to get an M.R.I. scan done... and to go to sleep and consult a doctor in the morning... I hung up and went to sleep...

While lying in bed... I had a 1 on 1 session with my inner self... I concluded that I am thankful for whatever i have been given and that I appreciate life... I promised myself that I will cut down on the complaining and will concentrate more on making most of what I've been given...

I consulted a doctor in the morning and have been informed that I suffer from mild concussion. A minor sprain. I will be alright in a couple of days..

***********************************************

Its 2.30 AM... My head hurts... so does my neck... The effect of painkiller is wearing off now.. I know I should go to sleep... Its been a long day.. and I have a longer week up ahead...

But I feel better... now...

p.s. Thank you for the idea J.... Nych....

Sometimes..

2008-05-03T02:48:00.005+05:30

I wonder why do we meet people out of the blue?? People who affect you life strongly and effectively..

I met one such person recently, through one of the numerous social networking sites I am on. He writes and thinks beautifully. He is good at listening and playing 'Agony Aunt"; but he is better at getting angry and scolding the life out of you!!

I call him "The Intellect".

I am glad I met you 'Ravana'. Cheers to our friendship!

ps: I don't regret giving you my phone number :P

Blah!

2008-04-23T13:55:00.005+05:30

Last night I spent hours on meditation.

Not kidding. People who know me will say "pooh! you cant do that!" Honestly, with an attention span of like a couple of nano seconds, its very difficult for me to meditate.

But last night I realized that cleaning is as good as meditating for me. By the time I removed piles of junk off my bed, discovered for the nth time that i really own all books written by Ayn Rand and found my favourite earrings (again!) buried under the mounds of cushions; I was calm, thinking straight and felt good about myself and my life.

What more, I fumigated it (err... cant find a better word!), using those special lamps which has a small well for essential oil on the top and my room smells of lemongrass now! My room looks & smells like heaven! All i need is a bunch of fresh flowers to make it look err.. more lived in.

When I finished, it was 3 AM! I hate missing out on my beauty sleep (grumble grumble) but what the heck! It was worth it.

Try and you'll know what I am talking about ;)

Who do you think you are??

2008-04-11T16:13:00.007+05:30

"Swing it, shake it, move it, make it,
Who do you think you are?
Trust it, use it, prove it, groove it,
Show me how good you are" (courtesy: Spice Girls)

After a very long time, I heard this song playing in a 'Friend's (???) car and I was surprised to know that i remembered its lyrics! It made me nostalgic.. the days when I used to sing this song for anybody i didn't like in college... silently of course!!

But seriously, I can sing this song for most of the men I know...
I fail to understand why are men so pompous?

Such is life.

2008-03-14T22:15:00.005+05:30

You wish that flowers dont die... but its unevitable...
Such is life

You get fired.. when you're about to get married to the girl of your dreams...
Such is life.

You are madly in love with a guy... who still holds a candle for his ex...
Such is life.

You sleep with a guy... knowing you're just a one-night-stand...
Such is life.

On a hot date you act coy... while wishing you could go and pee...
Such is life.

People think you're intelligent... they dont know that you almost always flunked in math..
Such is life.

You're honest... but your honesty is you biggest draw-back...
Such is life.

You get married... and your job takes you away from your wife...
Such is life.

You hate the book your boyfriend loves... you still read it again for him...
Such is life.

You keep smiling for the world... whilst wishing you could go the loo and cry your eyes out...
Such is life.

Life is a B***CH!

time stand still.....

2008-02-12T04:00:00.001+05:30

If I had a way to make time stand still
I'd had a lot more time to kill
Sit on the beach and drink my fill
If I had a way to make time stand still

-The Hooters

There are lots of things to write about..

Sometimes my head is bubbling with emotions and thoughts trying really hard to come out of the confined spaces and spill out to infect the world with their utter absurdity....

This is one of those times...

I have so much to say yet so little comes out...

This year has been hectic and to some extent baffling, so far... life is being garrulous... throwing away realisations at me, at a break neck speed.. one after the other...such effusiveness!! It scares me some times...

so many emotions....Frustration, pain, angst, fear, glee, exuberance and all that is part of growing older... wiser and cynical...

Meeting new interesting people... losing old friends... the ones you thought were there forever... learning to fall out of love... feeling less... talking more.... getting insecure about the future... being financially stronger... and most of all becoming more independent. The realisation, that family is anytime better than any friend... learning to live without people you think you cant live without... working harder... making compromises... living for yourself and listening to others....

So many things to do... so little time....

Somebody please ask the Gods in the heaven to go slow... the speed is befuddling me... making me irresolute of future and life....

ask the time to stand still....

Ooops!

2007-12-28T03:32:00.004+05:30

Well I don't know how to say this.... But I was wrong.

I have been wrong so many times (I have lost the count!) But this time I think I need to make certain public apologies.

Apology # 1

I am sorry Sugar, I was wrong. I thought you'll never do this for me; but you did. And, in the process you've made me one hell of a happy person!

I don't expect you to keep making me happy, because everyone makes mistakes and you're included in everybody (but mind you you're not just anybody; you're important!) But yeah, go ahead keep surprising me with such small gestures.

Apology # 2

I'm sorry Sis. I thought I wont miss you once you leave me, but I do. BADLY. What more, I don't have anybody to talk to in the evenings when I get home. Nobody wants to talk to 'whiny old me' I guess. People I expected to keep me company have turned into 'cold turkeys'. I miss fighting with you. I miss the constant bickering and those little spats over cleanliness.

Apology # 3
While watching this terrific movie called 'Taare Zameen Par' I realised one thing, that Mom knows everything. She is your best friend and support.
Sorry Mom, for hurting you so many times and not being able to match your expectations.

Apology # 4

To all my friends & relatives I've been ignoring and not taking an interest in for past 2-3 years. I really am jaded.

Apology # 5
To a certain lady I know. I know I keep misjudging you. I am sorry. My only excuse is that I am scared stiff of you. You're awesome, its just that I don't know you all that well, and have done a couple of stupid things in the past. Believe me I am not all that bad and would love to be friends with you, if it were not because of that idiot. I know you'll never read this, but its off my chest.

I know...I know... there are a couple more but these were niggling me for past few days. Hope the list doesn't grow.

Why do i do this?

2007-12-08T03:31:00.002+05:30

It is 3.35 AM. I know I can not wake up at 6.45 AM to get ready and venture out in the park for my daily jog at 7.00 AM

This is the second time in a row. Oh! I have excuses. Good ones. Like its Friday. I want a break. Or perhaps its way too cold outside and I am afraid that I'll get a chill (In the beginning of December , that does sound a bit ridiculous I know!)

Why do i do this?? What is it about exercise that I hate. I am overweight. Not obese but I can definitely do with a few kilos less. Some say that I lack the will, but NO!! If I put my mind to it, I know I can even solve an algebraic expression! (err.. maybe not!) I survived one whole day on milk & fruits and even managed to eat just ummm.. one cube of cheese.

Damn Italians! Why did they come up with such fine cuisine!! Damn Chinese!! Who asked them to introduce noodles to the world! and damn all the cows err.. and buffaloes and goats etc etc (Camels too!) for giving us milk which makes lethal and fattening cheese...

I am hungry.... lemme go and grab a sandwich... we'll continue..

The Quake

2007-11-26T22:28:00.000+05:30

Sunday, November 25 2007, 10.34 P.M.

I disconnected the phone, feeling very happy and content. I grinned like an idiot and then looked at P working furiously on her laptop and smiled again. She's getting married in January. I would lose my sister of 26 years to a guy who has known her for a paltry 4 years or so... (Grumble Grumble) I would not only relinquish my shopping partner but also someone I can fight with! Well that's something I will have to deal with... later. I had a bigger mission on my hand, wake up J for work. He is planning to reach office by 7.00 a.m. which would mean waking him up at almost 5.30 a.m. It was a daunting thought especially since the mornings were getting chillier and it’s difficult to take one's hand out of the warm quilt and call somebody who is thousands of miles away. Moreover, that someone sleeps like a log and refuses to answer his phone. I remembered the day when he asked me the first time to wake him up for work. I messaged back to him asking him to be his official alarm clock and he formally replaced his old human alarm clock, his Daddy, with me. I've known J for almost 3 years now, three wonderful years. We're the best of friends; we fight like cats and dogs, break up with each other at the drop of a hat and make up at a lightening speed. He means a lot. So I gear up to go to sleep early, since I've to wake up for my morning jog too. The jog was important since my dietitian has informed me today that I've managed to lose 4 kilos and 18 inches off my body in past one and a half month. so it was important to lose more and look presentable for my sister's wedding.

Sunday, November 25 2007, 11.45 P.M.

I was still awake, watching 'Monsters Inc.' for the third time. I was lured into this activity by P. Suddenly her phone rang. I knew from the ring tone that it was A, her fiancé . That was an indication that she should come online to chat with on Yahoo! messenger. I left the love-birds alone and gathered my stuff to go downstairs where I slept. Then I remembered that I had to wash my face and take care of thousands of little things I usually do before I go to sleep. That took me 25 minutes, and then I carried myself downstairs laden with my creams, lotions and cough syrup etc.

Sunday, November 26 2007, 12.45 A.M.

I was lying in my bed, woolgathering and thinking about god knows what, my phone rang. It was a message alert. I read my daily 'Tarot Card Reading' and cursed myself again for not knowing where I subscribed for that service. I don't know how to get rid of it!! After deleting the message I played a game of 'Dope-Wars' on my cell-phone, the game is addictive and it’s almost a ritual these days to play at least one game before falling asleep. After I made $56954000, was hideously rich and ran out of the time to sell narcotics, I kept my phone away and wrapped myself tightly in my quilt. I thought of J again, smiled and closed my eyes.

Sunday, November 26 2007, 1.30 A.M.

I woke up with a start. I sleep in the same room where my grandmother sleeps, and i heard voices. I sat up looked at Nani (My Grandmother) and noticed that there were other family members too in the room. They were all asking her not to eat cold yogurt which she loved. Nani was coughing badly. We forced some of my cough syrup and a sleeping pill on her and asked her to go to sleep; talking about her seeing doctor for this. My head touched my pillow and I went back to sleep.

Sunday, November 26 2007, 4.35 A.M.

I woke up again. This time i was feeling very warm and uncomfortable. I took off my sweatshirt and went back to sleep in my pajamas and t-shirt. It was dark outside but I could make the outline of the tree which was visible just outside the window across the road; it looked eerie in the pale light from street-lamps. I smiled again, thinking about childhood and the stories of ghosts on that tree. I am a horror movie buff so ghosts don't scare me anymore. Suddenly my bed started shaking and the glass of the window rattled. I was scared and I realized it was an earthquake. It was strong or rather it felt strong. I sat up quickly and asked Nani to get out of the house. I heard sounds from the rest of the House and Heard SM shouting that we should all get out of the house. I shouted for P who was sleeping on the second floor and SM called for M who was on the first floor. Before anybody could come downstairs, tremors stopped. Nani was sitting looking at us. "It was nothing." she said and went back to sleep. Everybody was downstairs and all of us gathered in the living room. We talked about the earthquake animatedly. MM figured and assumed that it was a strong earthquake and there would be loads of damage where the epicenter is.

Sunday, November 26 2007, 4.55 A.M.

All of us except M, who went back to his early morning mediation and Yoga, were huddled together in the living room. We turned on the TV and there it was; the breaking news, of Delhi being shook up by a strong earthquake. We sat looking at the screen for a long time. Till 5.20 a.m. we knew that the tremors were also felt in the nearby cities. I messaged some of my friends and I called my mom in Jaipur. She didn't feel anything. We kind of knew that there wont be any after-shocks, so we switched off the TV and all of us left for our respective rooms to go back to sleep. I slipped inside my bed. I felt the bed shaking again, but this time I knew it was all in my head. I was scared. I was sweating. I was wondering about how fickle the life is. I was thanking god for being alive. I was remembering all the people I love and care about. I thought about P and realised that she was the first person I thought about when the quake shook us all. I was worried about her. I love her. I also thought of Mom and Dad and realized that I called them as soon as I got the chance and asked them about their well being. I Thought about J who was like light years away from me right now and messaged him. I closed my eyes and was glad to be alive again....

***************************************

Delhi and neighbouring areas of Uttar Pradesh and Haryana were rocked by an earthquake at 4.42 am today, forcing people to rush out of their homes. Although the earthquake was described by the Met department as one of ''light intensity'', which measured 4.3 on the Richter scale, it felt stronger than that because the epicentre was in Delhi-Haryana border. People were shaken in their sleep as buildings rocked for a few seconds. There were no immediate reports of any damage to life and property. Courtesy: Press Trust of India

...been some time

2007-11-17T11:08:00.000+05:30

There is a lot happening at the same time...

My head is reeling at the speed of everything.... realisations are difficult... especially if they are the hurtful kinds...

Things which you have believed in, trusted on and thought will never change.... they change in a moment.... along with that, changes your perception, your plans and your attitude towards certain things...

I don't want to change...

shauk hai

2007-10-19T00:57:00.000+05:30

One of the most beautiful songs I've ever come across.......

Raat ka shauk hai
Raat ki saundhi si khamoshi ka, Shauk hai
Subha ki roshni
Bezubaan subho ki aur gungunati
Roshni ka Shauk hai
San sani anwlon ka
Ke ishq ke banwlon ka
San sani anwle ,Ke ishq ke banwle
Barf se khelte badolon ka Shauk hai
Kaash ye zindagi Khel hi khel mein kho gayi hoti
Raat ka shauk hai
Neend ki goliyon ka, Khwab ke loriyon ka
Bezubaan aus ki boliyon ka Shauk hai
Kaash ye zindagi binkahe binsune so gayi hoti
Subha ki roshni
Bezubaan subho ki aur gungunati
Roshni ka Shauk hai, ho shauk hai

Courtesy: Gulzar

Check out the English translation HERE.

Know Me Better!!

2007-10-13T00:07:00.006+05:30

This is what my name means!!!

1. What time did you get up this morning? 7 AM

2. Diamonds or pearls? Diamonds
3. What was the last film you saw at the cinema? Chak De India

4. What's your favorite TV show? The Wonder Years

5. What did you have for breakfast? A Glass of Milk

6. What's your favorite cuisine? Italian

7. What foods do you dislike? Nothing. Saint Jayant said "You'll eat a rat's arse if you're hungry."

8. What is your favorite chip flavor? Sour Cream & Onion

9. What's your favorite song at the moment? Beck's 'Everybody Gotta learn sometime'

10. What kind of car do you drive? I don't drive

11. Favorite sandwich? Jam & Peanut Butter

12. What characteristics do you despise? Hypocrisy, untidiness and ungratefulness

13. Favorite item of clothing? Jeans

14. If you could go anywhere in the world on vacation where would you go? Montenegro

15. What color is your bathroom(s)? White

16. Favorite brand of clothing? Levi's

17. Where would you retire to: beach, or wooded retreat? Wooded retreat

18. Favorite time of the day? Nights

19. What were your most memorable birthdays? P's roof-top birthday party

20. Where were you born? New Delhi, India

21. Favorite sport to watch? Tennis

22. Who do you least expect to send this back to you? Jayant Sinha Roy

23. Person you expect to send it back first? Pooja Daswani

24. What fabric detergent do you use? Genteel
25. Were you named after anyone? I Think so. An Indian Administrative Service (IAS) Officer

26. Do you wish on stars? Yes

27. When did you last cry? Last night

28. Do you like your handwriting? Its not THAT bad

29. What is your most embarrassing flaw? My BIG nose

30. If you were another person, would YOU be friends with you? Yes, I am fun ;)

31. Are you a daredevil? I pretend to be; deep down inside, NO

32. Have you ever told a secret you swore not to tell? Yes

33. Do looks matter? Only in the beginning

34. How do you release anger? By throwing things around or crying

35. Where is your second home? New Delhi

36. What were your favorite toys as a child? Barbie Dolls

37. What class in high school do you think was totally useless? 10th grade

38. Do you use sarcasm a lot? No, but i am learning from Saint Jayant

39. Favorite movies? The Departed, Hotel Rwanda, Cruel Intentions, Serendipity, Sweet November, The Butterfly Effect and Dilwale Dulhania Le Jaayenge.

40. What are your nicknames? Jay and Chumki

41. Would you bungee jump? Would love to

42. Do you untie your shoes when you take them off? Yes

43. Do you think that you are strong? NO, but i want to be

44. What are your favorite ice cream flavors? Chocolate, Rum 'n' Raisin & Bailey's Irish Cream

45. What are your favorite colors? Black & Red

46. What is your least favorite thing about yourself? My weaknesses

47. Who do you miss the most? Nitin Lehri

48. Do you want everyone you sent this to send it back? Yes

49. What color pants are you wearing? Lime Green :D

50. What are you listening to right now? Harvey Danger, Wine Women & Song

51. Last thing you ate? Muesli without milk

52. If you were a crayon, what color would you be? Red

53. Last person you talked to on the phone? Aniruddha Roy, my colleague

54. What is the first thing you notice about the opposite sex? Eyes

55. Favorite Drink? Milk

56. Do you wear contact lenses? Yes :(

57. Favorite Day of the Year? Any day is good, if I am with the people I love

58. Scary Movies or Happy Endings? Scary Movies

59. Hugs OR Kisses? BOTH

60. What Are Your Favorite Desserts? Custard, Apple crumble, Kheer and Apple Pie

61. What Book(s) Are You Reading? Robin Sharma's 'Who will cry when you die'

62. What's On Your Mouse Pad? I use a laptop, so no mouse pad

63. What Did You Watch Last night on TV? :( Kyunki Saas bhi kabhi bahu thi (HATEFUL SOAP!!)

64. Favorite Smells? Johnson's Baby Soap and Anais Anais

65. Rolling Stones or Beatles? The Beatles

The 'Bong' Connection

2007-09-26T03:06:00.003+05:30

NO...

I am not talking about the movie...
And for goodness sake I am not going to talk about methods of smoking pot; 'The Leaf' (Marijuana for you plebians :D)

I am talking about myself....
and my F***ING life....

For some weird reason my life is flooded with 'Bengali' people. My given name is a 'Bengali' name... so first thing people ask me is "Are you a Bengali?" (As if being a Bengali means that I am a little more or less than being a human being! )

Not that I mind it! I have nothing against Bengalis. In fact, most of the Bengalis I know are extremely sweet and cultured people! Their rich culture and style (errr.... thats questionable I know!) amazes me! And the other quality which I think Bengalis are imbued with is intelligence. I hardly meet any 'Bong' who is dumb (Exception to some air-headed actresses, of course) and all of them extremely good looking!! Best example being actress Sushmita Sen. I know it may be a fluke that most 'Bongs' I meet are like that.

Well, what I fail to undersatnd is my 'Bong' Connection.My name is 'Bong'. People say I look like a 'Bong'(Heaven only knows how a 'Bong' is supposed to look like!!) My best friend is a 'Bong'. My Boss is a 'Bong'. His Boss is a 'Bong'. The gentleman who sits just behind me in the office is a 'Bong'. My workplace is flooded with 'Bongs'!!! But my nemesis is a 'Bihari' (:D).

Maybe I was a 'Bengali in some past life????

Or maybe I am just plain obsessed with 'Bengalis'?????

My Life: The Roller Coaster

2007-09-20T00:38:00.001+05:30

whoooo-hoooooo!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

There i go up again!!!

My life has been playing up games on me lately.... all kind of funny games which is putting me through an emotional wringer...

One minute I am up there in the sky and the other... SLAM!!! I fall down... and that hurts! BAD.

I know nobody said that life is going to be a bed of roses, but this??? Please have some mercy, my head is ringing and spinning now.

Last month I finally solved a BIG problem... was I happy??? Yes, for a few hours... but then fate twisted again and my Mom abandoned me! (errr... for a short while i.e.)... After a couple of weeks I found her again.... and then Jackass got into a fight with me, saying that I need to be more positive (I got his point after a couple of 'I'll be rude with you' sessions). While I was trying to darn that tattered cloth, my best 'GIRL' friend got angry with me because I tried whatever psycho-analysis I learnt in college on her. I WAS TRYING TO HELP!

So is the story of life. Of course she is still angry and I'm still convinced that it was for the best. Meanwhile, my life has taken an upward turn again and i am suddenly feeling more secure and loved... (Knock Wood!!!) Believe me support from parents and kisses from Jackass (even if they are sent in short messages on the cellphone) can do wonders to my state of mind.

I don't know how long this burst of happiness would last.... but this time I am sure that come what may... I'll find happiness again... because now I KNOW my way around the elusive streets of life.

Pollyannaism

2007-09-18T02:18:00.000+05:30

I need a crash course in positivity....

thats what my beloved best friend says...

Hell!!

what happenend??? When and where did i lose it????

I thought i am very optimistic and positive....

Did he mean that i should get rid of my cynism??? As far as I am concerned those two aren't synonyms...

And more important... I was never cynical....!!! (Although I try mighty hard to be!! I think it's very 'IN' to be cynical)

I wasn't well today... had fever... maybe I am rambling..

Sorry... but i really need to find out the exact meaning of the word 'POSITIVE'

Don't mind me... please carry on....

Huh???

2007-09-05T00:57:00.001+05:30

What's wrong with men these days???

Will they ever learn??

I just came across somebody who wants a girl, who can cook, clean, wash after him and drive him to and from work!! And keeps quiet!!

@^%@$$#%^!%$!$# What you need is a maid my boy!!

Hrrrmmpph...

Man's Best Friend

2007-08-24T01:28:00.000+05:30

And this is how they are being treated? For staged 'Dog-Fights'?????

Shameful!

Thanks Jessica for the for this great post!

Five Feckless Facts

2007-08-06T11:17:00.000+05:30

Do i sound like a nut who just looooooooves alliteration?

Well.....

If I do, i don't care.

Last week, my dear friend Dan while carrying out a very fetching tradition of 'Blog-World' tagged me to write five things about myself, which obviously wont mean anything to you and moreover you'll give a damn about them.

But yeah... it does sounds interesting and gives us all 'rubber-necks' a chance to do what we love most..... prying into other's lives.... I swear, human beings just love snooping around (esp. women) and get orgasmic pleasure in discovering odd facts about each other. I know I like reading useless facts about others!

So, let me share some snippets of information about myself, which I'm sure will give you an insight into my soul (LOL!!!)

1) I HATE Mangoes: When i notice the mortals around me during summer i get thoroughly disgusted by their ardor for this ugly looking yellow fruit (Ouch!!!! Stop it you guys!!!! you cant kill me for that!! i KNOW you just adore mangoes.. but sorry that stupid fruit doesn't works for me!)

I Don't think most of you 'hoi polloi' agree with me, but what the fuck! I have a right to form my opinion.

The only fruits that i actually like are strawberries, kiwi fruit and pears....and oh... "jaamuns" (Rose Apple or Jambu Fruit for all who don't know what a Jaamun is). Seriously people, we must do something to break this monopoly of mangoes as 'king of the fruits' and give the title respectfully to some other fruit.

2) I Am a Cleanliness Freak: Give me a broom (errrr a vacuum cleaner is better of course) and a duster and i am happy for hours.(That doesn't mean that you can call me anytime and ask me to clean your dirty, untidy rooms! Clean 'em yourself you punks!)

I hate getting my room untidy and actively fight with my sister for messing up anything that belongs to me.

I take showers 3 times a day and shampoo my hair everyday. Don't worry, I am not a bordering OCD case and at times i am pretty tolerant of greasy floors and unkempt beds & couches and wet bath rooms.

but yeah who doesn't like their stuff arranged neatly, room on bed so that they can lie down in comfort? Who would mind a nice smelling body with no grease or dandruff in their hair?

3) I Am a Romance Buff: I don't know the exact number because i haven't counted them lately, but yeah i have an enviable collection of 'Mills & Boon' books (and its growing!). I also inherited a large number of 'Illustrated Women's Weekly' books and some odd 30 'Barbara Cartland' books from a very dear family friend!

I like watching soppy movies with loads of Kleenex handy and I know that you're snickering behind my back!!!!

4) I Get Angry Easily: This is something I am not very proud of:(

But WTF!! Nobody's perfect!! So stop expecting me to be the divine being who's perfect!

Seriously speaking, I need to work on this and to my credit I've learnt a little bit... to control my anger i.e.

(This doesn't mean that I fly off the handle without any reason!!! :O)

5) I Don't Know How to Dance: Do you really want to laugh hard, slapping your knee with watery eyes? Come and dance with me!!!!!

Hell.... I've forgotten the number of toes I've trodden on, the number of eyes which have cried on my behalf and number of people who have fallen down watching me dance (With laughter of course!!!)

Why God??? Why me??? Why did you give me two left feet instead of one???

Don't for a minute think that I didn't try! I tried my best to learn to dance and in fact i enjoy the mindless and meaningless gyrating of body and the funny flailing arms and legs we call dance, but alas! its just something which i can't do!

Now that I've shared my deep dark secrets with you, I'd like to tag the author of 'Go Comment'.

Peace!!
:D

Writer's Block

2007-07-31T15:26:00.000+05:30

WRITER'S BLOCK

Function: noun:

a psychological inhibition preventing a writer from proceeding with a piece of writing
Merriam-Webster's Medical Dictionary, © 2002 Merriam-Webster, Inc.

erm.. errrr... I dunno what to write.....

sooooo... lemme think and get back to you with something nice or funny or informative or entertaining.....

Meanwhile, read 'Tanmay-ology' The most freaky blog I've read so far......

Catty Women

2007-07-06T14:19:00.000+05:30

"Not Really"

Do women bitch?
Yes, they do. Its an age old fact.

Do I bitch?
Yes, I do. I've been doing that for __ years! (yeah, guess my age!)

Following are two actual incidences which have taken place at my home/ work-place!

Scene 1:

This happens, almost every time when women (sometimes men too!) in my family meet.. ahem.. except for those who are being bitched about, but of course....

GM: "Lets sit together tonight. All of us. Its been quite a while since we've bitched about the nefarious 'C Family'! I must tell you what happened recently and what these people did! Especially that Bitch!"

MU: "Sahi mein! (Really!) Even i have to tell you what happened the other day, when i called her up!"

ME: "Yeah, its been a long time... and it would be fun!"

MI (A male member of my family): "SO! Please make sure that we have loads of 'Maggie Noodles' in the kitchen! We cant stay awake till 2-3 am without having anything to eat!"

PA: "Yeah! And something to drink as well!"

SO: "I don't like them at all. I think I will sit with you guys and listen to what all you have to say."

So, what was supposed to be a bitching session, turned into a small party of sorts. Everybody bitched, everybody ate and went to sleep, grumbling about being fat, with tummies full of food, which is supposed to be fattening.

Scene 2:

Some women (Including me of course!) sitting around a table in the deserted Cafeteria, in my office.

A: "Damn! Its so hot outside!"

B: "I know! Speaking of hot, look who is wearing skimpy clothes again!"

C: "OMG! How could 'X' wear something like that! She's looking trashy!"

D: "Oh! have you heard the latest about her! She has finally managed to sleep with that dreamy manager! Another notch on her bedpost i must say!"

B: "WHAT! Are you serious!"

D: "Absolutely! 'E' told me so!"

C: "Hrrrmph... she's a fucking nym*****iac! She'll sleep with anybody!"

A: "Aw shit! I really liked that guy! How could he?"

Arrival of 'X' and 'Y' on the table

X: "Hi! Whats up?"

"Hi X! Hi Y! How you guys doing!" everybody chimes....

X: "I'm fine! Its scorching hot outside!"

A: "Yeah!"

C: "Hey X! You're looking good! How and where the hell do you manage to find such nice clothes! We must go out for shopping together some day!"

Scene fades in meaningless female chatter......

Hmmmm.... yes women do bitch! Anyone who claims otherwise is a liar!

Why? Bite me if i know!! :))

Persistence.....with a capital 'P'

2007-07-02T15:19:00.001+05:30

No, I am not an ungrateful person.... I take everything given to me by God with great poise and grace (yeah.. yeah.. so what if i lose it at times? Everybody cracks under pressure.. hrrmph..) But lately I have started complaining.... I am being ladled out more than my fair share of bad times....

What is it about broken relationships that annoy me most? Persistence....

My best friend is mighty nettled these days. Why? Her Ex refuses to move on. She called me today and I told her to flee away from the country to retain her sanity. I was wrong. She should stay here and fight the demons. Because, that's what I am doing.....

How many times do we face this situation? When somebody we think should move on, refuses to do so. Exasperating? Isn't it?

I have a pretty colorful past. A broken engagement, one or two boy friends and a couple of crushes... Everything left a scar... everything contributed to my experiences and everything gave me a realization... sometimes a rude awakening... But the first prize would always go to my engagement, which left a bitter taste in my mouth and a wonderful and fulfilling relationship with my current boy friend. Sounds funny? Yeah it is... because it was that broken relationship which made me realize that i have another bond... with someone who is caring and an absolute sweetheart to the core.... someone who helped me pick up the pieces of my broken life. (Thanks Jackass!)

I broke a two month old engagement last year (Yeah it was an arranged match!) Reason being that i realized after a couple of meetings with the guy that we're totally incompatible and I'd royally screw mine and his happiness if I would go on thinking about everybody else's' happiness (Thanks to Ayn Rand's Atlas Shrugged, which incidentally was a gift from my ex fiance!) Moreover, there was a lot of animosity from the guy and his family too... they had several terms and conditions (Give up reading novels, read Osho, start meditating, stop eating potatoes, slim down, do MBA and loads of others...most of which I've never done in my lifetime!) I am sorry, but i don't think marriages work on terms and conditions (I might be wrong, but i do have a right to form my own opinion. Right?)

After facing a lot of heart-ache, opposition, turbulence and breaking off this futile alliance, I made a checklist. Which is as follows:

1) Move out.
2) Start living on your own.
3) Concentrate on your job.
4) Be happy and positive.
5) Forgive and forget.

I managed to do almost everything except forget (I even forgave!) Why did i never forget? Because of PERSISTENCE. I wanted to... but the guy's mother refused to move on... she kept persisting that i marry his son. (She still is..) So many things have happened because of this irrational doggedness... a rift between me and my family... insomnia... a feeling of being hunted.. a resolution to stay away from people born under the sun-sign of Cancer (Sowy P!! but its true) and a general discomfort at the idea of being married. Whatever... i am still determined on taking control of my future and not get into a relationship which will cause me nothing but despair.

Wow! i feel good... this was something which was struggling to get out.. for a long time.....

On a lighter note... A broken affiliation always paves way for a new one!!!(Remember my optimism!)

REALITY BITES

2007-06-25T03:56:00.000+05:30

"Pathological Optimist"

I heard this term being used in the movie 'Reality Bites' when i was very young... almost too young to understand what this term actually meant.... the term was used for the female protagonist, Lelaina Pierce, in the movie. For some reason the movie which was an eclectic blend of comedy and romance is very close to my heart.... maybe because its ironic or maybe because of the tag-line 'Life is always funnier when it happens to someone else' Whatever the reason, i still like the movie and .,l,. this is for people who think otherwise (Sorry if you think I am being rude.)

After all these years, I have realized today why this movie is so special... because of this term and the fact that i relate with this term....

Heard the 'Chumbawamba' song 'Tubthumping'?
"I get knocked, down but I get up again You're never gonna keep me down"

I relate with this song as well.... why? Because that's what i am, a born fighter, a person who might be down for a while but will get up again and start on with the life again.....

Is there anything wrong being an optimist? I don't think so... Is it wrong to follow your heart and don't let anybody shake your beliefs? I don't think so...

But today..... I have realized.... the fact that people can knock you down.... make you fall flat on your face.. and keep you there till you cry for mercy....

Will i ever be able to get up again and start being what i am? A Pathological Optimist.....

That's something which time will tell.... but I'd still like to think.. 'Yes. I will'.....

Amen.....

My Emotional Quotient

2007-05-29T04:39:00.000+05:30

I always thought i was an emotional fool......so i took this Emotional Quotient test online and found myself something to prove me wrong:

Your EQ is 87

50 or less: Thanks for answering honestly. Now get yourself a shrink, quick!
51-70: When it comes to understanding human emotions, you'd have better luck understanding Chinese.
71-90: You've got more emotional intelligence than the average frat boy. Barely.
91-110: You're average. It's easy to predict how you'll react to things. But anyone could have guessed that.
111-130: You usually have it going on emotionally, but roadblocks tend to land you on your butt.
131-150: You are remarkable when it comes to relating with others. Only the biggest losers get under your skin.
150+: Two possibilities - you've either out "Dr. Phil-ed" Dr. Phil... or you're a dirty liar.

What's Your EQ (Emotional Intelligence Quotient)?

Believe me the results are better than i thought, i dont want to be devoid of emotions but lately my emotional quotient is certainly going down. Maybe its the company i keep (And yes i mean you Jackass!), or maybe I'm just growing up and becoming smarter! Emotional to me is synonym of 'Fool' nowadays, so a score less than average is good!

The Reason

2007-05-28T07:03:00.000+05:30

I've found out a reason for me

To change who I used to be
A reason to start over new
and the reason is you

Courtesy: Hoobastank

Dear Impossible,

I am not here to sing the song, but yes I wish I could sing it loud right now.

I have been awake for the past 4 hours. Waiting…. for the results; examination results. (Not mine of course!) The credit goes to the cat who woke me up at around 3 AM and telepathy. I woke up because I felt she needs somebody with her right now, my cousin, my friend and partner in the sins pertaining to pizzas, Sonali; who was waiting and is still waiting for her CBSE results for Secondary (10^th for you!) and hasn’t slept a wink.

We have watched a movie (Sweet November), surfed the net, scoured the rooftop done everything to keep us busy….but the wait isn’t over yet…. It’ll take another 45 minutes or so.

My head is buzzing, and I am feeling sorry that I made her watch that movie with me, she didn’t like it. Why did I watch that movie? Of course, there’s a reason. MY REASON.

I remember the first time I saw that DVD, in your collection. I was surprised, I know you love war movies and hardcore action, and this was a revelation about you. You told me once that this perhaps is the only romantic movie which you like.

So, why did I watch a movie which I’ve already watched… like 15 times? Answer was simple. Because of one simple rationale, it reminds me of you. Last Night. I found out MY REASON….after spending almost 1 hour on telephone with you. I thought I knew you. More than two years, I’ve spent worshipping the ground you walk on, but I never knew you felt like this. I feel so inadequate while I take upon this responsibility. But, I give you my word that I’ll try my best to do what I said I’ll do. Just pray for me.

And today, while I wait (It feels like eternity!) I realize that this is how long I will wait for you. Till eternity, thanks for making me realize the reason behind my existence.

Love Always,

Yours Forever

2007-05-27T05:30:00.000+05:30

The World Premiere of 'Makkad-Man'

http://www.makkadman.com

The Cruise: Superstar Libra - Part III

2007-04-30T10:52:00.000+05:30

Preparation:

Lets put together the two bored kids and the two bored professionals with a home maker and a doctor, mix the additives in the form of lovely weather, a beautiful and luxurious ship, funny crew & funnier co-passengers and voila! See the fun!

Beginning from the the hot morning at the Jaipur airport till the humid afternoon in Mumbai, when we disembarked from the ship; the trip was full of adventure and exaggerated emotions! Fights between the Kids (that includes anybody who is 20+ but less than 40!) kids and grown-ups and grown-ups themselves!

Getting off the aircraft, everybody re-affirmed their hatred for the Tinseltown Mumbai....

"The weather sucks!"

"Its too crowded!"

"Its dirty and soooo old!"

and

"WHAT THE FUCK! the markets are also closed today!"

chanted everybody and prayed for better times on the ship! after wasting a lot of time trying to shop for swim-suits and knick-knacks, turns taking bath, spending too much time in the bath-tub and generally messing up the beautiful bathroom in that beautiful hotel room... we headed for the Mumbai port.

Mumbai port : Unlike the ports shown in the movies which are mobbed with gangsters... this one looked like a poor cousin of an airport. People were checking in, making goofy faces while being photographed and getting awe-struck with the huge ship which they were about to embark.

Teen Deviyan (Me, P and S) were disappointed, there seemed to be nobody who looked like a hunk, seemed that 80% of the ship's population comprised of Gujjus and honey-mooners. Shanks looked bored to tears and my Mausi & Mausaji looked harassed with our tantrums.

Inside The Ship: There awaited a Las Vegas show-girl... scantily dressed, wearing plumes of feathers and a French guy with azure eyes... our hopes floated and soared the sight of cute looking oriental crew. The ship was beautiful and i dont think i need to describe how comfortable it was and what all amenities were there. From comfortable bunk beds to lofty loungers on the deck; from basketball court to the running track; from the spa to the swimming pools and jacuzzi, from the library to the top-less dancing shows; from free food made by the chefs of 'The Taj' to the horrendously expensive bars; from discotheque to casino, everything spoke of opulence and comfort. You name it and you get it (for a price of course!) So where is the fun?

Fun was not in the comfort it was the people around! the Old Uncle who danced every night in the discotheque and won almost every freaking contest, the lusty chef we befriended the first day who was always busy looking at the wrong places at the wrong time (I have a photograph to prove that!) Fun was 'ooh-aahing' for Matthew who looked amazing dressed as a man as well as a woman! Fun was flirting with the crew and sharing the photos of their family members and children. Fun was sneaking away to the deck during late nights to lie down under the star-studded sky and talk about nothing at all. Fun was trying to find signals on your phone, so that you can speak to a temporarily estranged boy-friend and waiting for his calls. fun was the banana-boat ride in the beautiful waters around the islands of Lakshadweep, swimming, looking for the loo on the deserted island, beaches of Goa, shopping and last but not the least getting into senseless quarrels with each-other...

What we did not like of course, was sea-sickness (The pills makes one sleepy, I lost an entire day because of the fucking sea-sickness pills!), getting sand in all the wrong places, getting caught doing things you're not supposed to do, first time swimming in a swimming pool full of sea water and paying the outrageous bills.

We disembarked the ship on the 4th day, happier, rejuvenated and with a skin shade which was ten thousand timer darker than our original skin! The most noteworthy accomplishment of the voyage, we were more close and at peace with each other!

The Cruise: Superstar Libra - Part II

2007-04-17T16:58:00.000+05:30

VISUAL DELIGHTS

********************

The Sign: It glowed during the nights and looked absolutely awesome!

This is the ninth floor and deck of the ship during night time. The photograph has been taken from the tenth and the highest floor. This place has two swimming pools filled with saline sea water and you may not want to swim in there for too long! Best feature were two jacuzzi tubs, filled with fresh cold water. There main function was to soothe the poor human body ravaged by the effects of salt in the swimming pools. But you must agree, the place looks beautiful and pleasing to the sore eyes.

The Lobby: The main attraction was this center piece, which looked like a tropical forest, full of vibrant colors and fragrances. I frankly dont remember whether all these flowers were real or plastic. What i remember is being awed by the sheer beauty of it.

The Ship: This where the boarding and de-boarding was done, from the ship while it was on sail.Huge, isn't it?

This was our cabin. small and surprisingly very comfortable. It boasted 4 bunks, two cupboards, a vanity unit, a tiny bath room with a shower cubicle, a TV and a picturesque window out of which i saw one of the most lovely sunrises of my life... The beds were an absolute dream, soft comfy and welcoming, like a lover's embrace.

Preparation: yet to come...

The Cruise: Superstar Libra - Part I

2007-04-11T15:37:00.007+05:30

Main Entry: 1fun
Pronunciation: 'f&n
Function: noun
Etymology: English dialect fun to hoax, perhaps alteration of Middle English fonnen, from fonne dupe
1 : what provides amusement or enjoyment; specifically : playful often boisterous action or speech
2 : a mood for finding or making amusement
3 a : AMUSEMENT, ENJOYMENT b : derisive jest : SPORT, RIDICULE
4 : violent or excited activity or argument
synonyms FUN, JEST, SPORT, GAME, PLAY.

Source: Mirriam-Webster Online Dictionary

************************************************************SUPERSTAR LIBRA

***************************************************************

RECIPE OF A FUN-FILLED VACATION
*******************************************

Ingredients:

A middle- aged 'Young' couple, which likes lazing around.

One 26 yrs old girl, who tries to to act sedate for the sake of propriety; fails miserably.

One 24 yrs old girl, who is too damned serious and is looking for amusement out of her boring office. (No Offense P!)

One 17 yrs old boy, who is supposed to keep watch on his sisters, but is busy most of the times ogling girls and plotting to find a way to get an entry-pass for the 'Topless Dancing Show'.

One 13 yrs old girl, who is too feisty for her age, and is occupied with dreams of attracting cute oriental guys.

A HUGE ship full of people who have temporary amnesia, and most of them dont remember their age.

A crew,which is an eclectic mix of Indians and cute looking orientals.

A group of 'Gujju' boys just out of the school, from Mumbai.

A cellphone (with no connectivity in the middle of the sea), to keep in touch with a temporarily estranged boyfriend.

A restaurant catered by 'The Taj', to pig out.

A lustful chef.

Banana-Boat ride in Lakshadweep.

A Brand new SUV

A 'well-connected' lost brother of Michael Schumacher as driver.

Beaches and flea markets in Goa.

And last, but not the least a 'Hunky' South-Indian guy.

Seasoning: Lots of food, sun, beaches, sea and sea-sickness.

PREPARATION: to be continued........

Rinchen Tshering Yolmo

2007-04-09T16:45:00.004+05:30

First look at the guy, and you would not know what the real man beneath the 25 yrs old body, 'garden-variety' north-eastern looks, is like.

Rinchen is the typical 'boy-next -door' types, jaunty, unassuming, cute and fun to be with. The guy can make you convulse with laughter with his antics and blithe Hindi (he seriously needs coaching in Hindi!). Five minutes with him, and you'll know what i am talking about.

But, This is not about Rinchen, 'The Jester', this about Rinchen, 'The Enigma'.

I came to know during my early days with him, that this typical 'cancerian' friend and colleague of mine has a daughter. An adopted daughter.

my dear friend has a back problem, apparently due to some mishap some years ago. The fateful accident left him with an extant pain in his lower back and a child. A girl child which was abandoned on the bed next to his in a hospital. He brought her home, his parents offered to adopt that little girl, but in vain. He had his mind all made up. He knew that he is going to be her father. Rinchen went on with the legalities of adopting a child at a tender age and made himself the child's father. He works to support his child and himself. The little girl lives with her grandparents in the beautiful state of Sikkim.

I cried the day i came to know about this... emotional fool that i am...

We all know about the sexual discrimination in our country, what we dont know is that there are people like my parents who never regretted having a son. I know people in MY FAMILY, who cry when a daughter is born to them (And i am not talking about ages ago, its pretty recent!) and i know people like Rinchen, who go forward and take care of somebody else's daughter. How many of us have guts to do so? And, I am talking about us, the normal people, not the celebrities like Sushmita Sen.

This is my ode (with no rhythm and rhyme of course!) to the Man behind 'The Jester' Rinchen Tshering Yolmo. Who is strong, unyielding, ethical and respectable. I am proud to know you.

My Best Friends

2007-04-03T18:03:00.003+05:30

I remember the first time I read Enid Blyton. My father brought home some books for us (Me and my sister, although she was too young to read!) from his office library. I looked at those books. Most of them were hardback editions, colorful and vivid jackets, which attracted me. For a 7 year old kid the pictures of flying chairs and happy children were indeed very attractive. That was the day when I came across a world, where everything was near perfect. There were Gnomes, goblins, pixies and elves. And my own little horrors, like wicked witches! (My wild imagination: Courtesy: Ms Enid Mary Blyton) They absorbed me… or rather I absorbed them and Mollie and Peter became my ‘BESTEST’ friends.

I became a voracious reader in a short time... I remember books like 'The Russian Fables', 'Disney's Fairy Tales' 'Astrix and Obelix', 'TINTIN' (Superlative!! i still have a digitized collection of almost all Tintin Comics, thanks to my boyfriend) and 'Alice in Wonderland' they enthralled me. (Ask me now about what i read, i probably wont remember except for a few stories and pictures) My interest was well fed by my father and my Dadi (She taught me to to read) Mum was glad she had a book-worm for an offspring (little did she know that her offspring's only interest was stories not text books!)

I graduated from The Faraway Tree and The Wishing Chair in late 80’s when I found The Famous Five. George, Anne, Julian, Dick and Timmy took Mollie and Peter’s place in my life. I went on adventures with them. They went with me to my school and slept with me in my bed. I became pals with Nancy Drew and was jealous of her because of Ned Nickerson. I was in love with Frank Hardy and was chummy with his brother Joe... I lived in my own make-believe world.

In the mid-nineties, i came across a phenomena called Mills & Boon. My world changed and i was in in midst of the biggest addiction in my life. I hoarded those books (I still own some 100 odd Mills & Boon Novels, rest of them disappeared, God knows where!!) I read them day and night. Mom was finally realizing the gravity of the the situation. Most often she used to wake up in the middle of the night to notice that her teenage daughter isn't sleeping, but reading. And no sir! they were no text books, those were the mushy love stories with happy endings and sometimes 'hot' and 'steamy' love scenes. I was going maudlin, reading all those stories, turning into a sappy creature. That was when i made another discovery (It was not Danielle Steele, I hate her books!) Sidney Sheldon!! GAWD!! wish i could go back the time and stop myself from picking up that copy of 'If Tomorrow Comes'.

Times changed, and I changed with it. I kept reading, kept growing, I smiled with Archie and his gang, I cried with the Mills & Boon. Felt a rush of adrenaline while reading Irving Wallace, Sidney Sheldon and J K Rowling (Believe me you’ll get a kick out of reading about Harry Potter and his life), was horrified with Stephen King and Robin Cook. Found inspiration when I read Ayn Rand and was mystified with Victoria Holt. One thing remained constant my love affair with books. My worst dream is waking up one day and finding that all the books in the world have disappeared.

PLEASE GOD! Don’t let that happen...

The First Time....

2007-04-02T17:27:00.004+05:30

There’s always a first time for everything. This is the first time I'm writing a Blog.

Just like everybody else, I have committed most of my ‘first times’ to my memory. They were all incidents worth remembering and they still lurk somewhere in my subconscious mind... making me the person I’m today.

But some of them are still so vivid, so fresh as if they happened just yesterday. Those are the ones which transpired to mold me, my beliefs, my values and MY LIFE. Those are the etchings on my soul...

My first book: Albeit a bit dusty….there is a strong memory of a small paperback called Chanda Mama, which had stories about kings and kingdoms, ghosts and gods etc. O.M.G.! I was vain enough to believe all of it…at that age...

My first School: Kendriya Vidyalaya, Barmer. There was only one respectable school in that small sleepy town of Rajasthan, during those times. And ‘Moi’ was important there. I reminisce about that hot day when I lost my silver necklace while playing Hop-Scotch. 6 years old little girls weren’t supposed to wear jewelry to school. But I did. That was the day I realized my father must be an important man. Because when I cried my Principal got the entire play-ground dug up and found that fragile looking piece of silver for me. God! I feel horrible about it now.

My First Audio Cassette: Aashiqui (Hope I’ve got the spelling right!) a young girl all of 11 years or so walks up to the shop-keeper and asks him for a cassette of Aashiqui, pays him Rs 18, and walks off proudly with her procurement. Mom was angry when I got home, but it was worth it. Although I’ve come a long way from listening songs of Aashiqui to listening James Blunt and INXS, but I still love those songs and I still have that cassette somewhere lying around.

My first Crush: He was the perfect specimen of male hood for me, four years my senior in school. House captain, short, fair and cute… Blah blah blah… I am so glad I regained my senses well in time! I know he lives somewhere in Australia now.

My first Boyfriend: Mohit! How can I forget those days with you? You and I on the railways tracks… in the bus… you waiting for me outside the school…you walking me to my home… that birthday gift… that Valentine ’s Day…Chachi 420… so many little things… makes me think of Arnold & Winnie. It was a perfect model of innocent love. It broke my heart the day he said he’s going to Delhi to study. I miss those days. But, life goes on so did I. We moved on, kept in touch and I am so glad we still are!

My First Day in College: I was scared. I was the only girl in the fresher batch, wearing a pair of jeans with a tee. Believe me...when I say...that it is tough being part of an all girls’ college. Women are fussy and can be pretty mean. I was endangered. I was fearful of the seniors and ragging. A group of girls approached me; I gave them a petrified glance and tried to shuffle my backside quickly to the psychology lab, for the first class of the day. I spent the day in fearful presentiment. Soon it was over. I was on my way home and could breathe again. You Bet! Next day I turned up in all the glory of a flowing Duppatta and Salwar-Kameez.

My First Job: It SUCKED!! Big Time!! I won’t wish that job upon my enemies. I was tired of dealing with angry customers who were facing some little problem with their internet connection. I knew that the company I worked for provided f**ked up internet connections. I still grinned and told everybody, “We Are the Best!!” Of all the hypocrites in the world! I am glad that company is obsolete now.

My first Love: Sad… I can’t take your name. But you know that you’re important… very important to me.

“Ouch!” that’s what I said when I snapped my nail into two and my finger started bleeding. He was the reason. If it weren’t for him, I would’ve opened the door without hurting myself. He occupied my days…and nights (we worked in the graveyard shift!), and my thoughts. I was tired of his voice droning in my ears all the time… was tired of looking at him 12 hours a day. But, there he was, in the cab, in the cafeteria, outside the office, in the training room...trying to help a group of 15 odd people. And most of these times he wore the similar brooding expression, showed animosity towards everybody and seemed very disagreeable. He was 'The Loner'.

The day I hurt myself, I was angry for letting him affect me this way. It was not fair. I found him looking at me oddly one day. I ignored him. Seven Days, that’s all I had with him. I tried to move on. I was not able to. One day he messaged. He asked me to go out with him. “Say No!” my mind said… “Okay!” I said, and this is how it started.

For next one year he was there, just somebody to hang around with, somebody to meet on the weekends. I knew I was falling in love. I also knew it was dangerous. But, WHAT THE HECK!! You only live once!

I tied to break away, but for some reason, it was always him, who came forward to pick up the pieces of my broken life. I hurt him, he hurt me. I cried, he cursed… in the end we always ended up kissing and making up.

After two long years of knowing him…I know he is special…“The One.” I don’t care if spend my entire life with him or not (Although I’d love to!) its enough that I know a person as wonderful as he is. He is my teacher, my mentor and my best friend.

(But you’re still IMPOSSIBLE!!)

My first Kiss: “(Gulp) this is it!” I thought. But no, he did not kiss me that day.

Anyways, it was raining that day. A light drizzle… very romantic, we had a fight… (As usual) and heated emotions were flying all around. I have never been an emotionally strong person. I can’t take fights very well and I always break down in the end. This is what happened that day. I cried and cried and he had to do something, to make me stop. (All that crying was driving him nuts I guess!) He did it then. It was a small peck on the cheek, but it was worth remembering. And yes, it made me stop crying!

My first Drag of The Cancer Stick: I think all my experimenting has been done in past two years. Ever since I moved to Delhi, my meaning of life has changed. In short, I GREW UP. Being with ‘Him’ I’ve learnt good and bad things. But I’m glad I let only good things pervade my life. I was intent on smoking a cigarette. So I tried one day. Fortunately or unfortunately my boyfriend is a smoker. I remember the day when I took a drag of the cigarette he held in his hand. The carton said ‘Classic–Milds’. Well, I obviously thought these are mild cigarettes so they won’t affect me much. I was in for the shock of my life! It felt as if I was choking on the smoke. My lungs were smoldering and I was coughing my life out! I did not give up I tried a clove flavored cigarette with my room mate and that one was not that bad. But luckily I never got hooked on to cigarettes. I either politely decline smoking or don’t let the smoke enter my lungs.

My first Cocktail: That day in September, I was at a birthday party. One of my oldest friends turned 26 that day. His wife handed me a glass of something which suspiciously looked like Limca, mixed with lots of mint. I gladly took the glass and gulped down the contents, after all I was thirsty. It tasted funny. I knew something was wrong. I asked Dhi, he said it has some Vodka in it. I refused to drink another drop. Alcoholism is something I feel strongly about. But then again that voice in my head said “C’mon! you only live once!!” And I drank that glass of whatever it was. Man!! For somebody who’d never touched a drop of alcohol, it was an evening to remember. I danced. And I enjoyed myself after being high on one paltry cocktail. I was dropped home and all. I went to sleep. Next day, was BAD. I promised myself again not to listen to the voices in my head.