Random Thoughts

Its 2.10 AM... I am sleepy but I don't want to sleep... I feel horrible... No I think I feel fine.. I am humming "You'll think of me" by Keith Urban.. What I really want to do is sing it loud.. So that Mom & Dad will wake up and shout at me for creating a ruckus at this time of the night...

I want a new iPod.. The new shuffle!! I also want a nail polish which is metallic, glittery and of a color which would put the fluorescent highlighters to shame... I bought clothes, I know I am not going to wear often... I want to slap a certain boy to his senses ... I want to go on a loooong vacation.... to a forest or maybe to a place where there are beaches and sunshine to scorch me to a warm delicious mocha shade...

I wish my body would go back to its routine of going to sleep at 12 AM and waking up at 6 AM... I want to start jogging in the mornings rather than the evening when mosquitoes are on a killing spree.... I want it to rain.. so that I can get drenched on the terrace of my home again.. its been ages since I've done that!!! I am PMSing and I hate it ... I hate the fact that my body bloats up.. and I feel fat... I wish I was so pretty that I had a trail of men following me... NO!! I don't want that.. I think men are horrible, egoistic dogs... I like a boy .. I hated him when I was a little girl... He lives far away... I wish I am able to meet him one day... Its been what? 17 years since I have met him.... *Sigh*

My room is in a mess again... I see clothes strewn on the bed and on the carpet.... I also see that its 2.34 AM now ... I wish I was able to get up and turn the darned AC off.. its freezing me.... I wish I would stop looking at my cellphone again and again.. waiting for I don't know what... My mom bought so many deodorants from the CSD canteen.. its not even funny!! I also know that Yardley can afford to sell deodorants cheap.... I miss Delhi... I want to move to *Wish I Knew Where*... I think I've got addicted to playing UNO on Facebook ... I know I am talking like a .

I am humming Eels' "I Need some Sleep" now ... I want a home theater.. so that i can watch at least 5 movies everyday... I want to paint my room neon blue.. or maybe black? I want a tattoo.. No.. I want two... One one my right shoulder blade and another on my left ankle... I saw a girl n Udaipur... She had a tattoo on her neck... a small red heart.. I was sooooo... jealous!!!

I think I'm talking nonsense now .. time for me to hit the sack.. Goodnight!

p.s. I am singing Dido's "I am no " right now.... this song is coming back to me again and again since I've told V that he is no angel so he should stop pretending to be one

Tussel between heart and head

Life's a tussle between Heart and Head.

I am there.... again... where my heart and head are not in the agreement... and trust me its a pain... not to know what's next.

I just had a chat with 'A'...she says wait and watch... I don't want to wait... I have waited enough, for one thing or the other... Every time I wait for something I think of that Madonna number 'Hung up'...

Time goes by so slowly for those who wait
No time to hesitate
Those who run seem to have all the fun..
I'm caught up
I don't know what to do

In past few days i have two people saying that they want to get in touch with their finer feelings and emotions...I want to know why?

Isn't being emotional, considered foolhardy? So should we listen to our heads?

On the other hand, people who use their heads are considered hard, unemotional and rational.... Which sounds soooo... boring!

What do you say?

Perfection

I made a mistake, long time ago. I got into a relationship (It wasn't even that!) which started and ended exactly in 3 months time; there was nothing left, at the end of the three months. All that was left was a broken 'me', with a broken engagement and a stronger resolve to be independent and a desire to be accepted just the way I am.

What is funny about me is that I mostly don't learn from my mistakes (Uh.. I know it's actually stupid!). So, here I am, almost three years down the last debacle, to something similar. Thankfully, not as 'heart-wrenching' as the last one! (That's the DRAMA QUEEN in me speaking!) But, I am glad I did not end up making things as bad as they were last time!

Tell me? is it wrong to expect somebody to accept you with your flaws? I don't think so. Yet , there are people in this world who expect you to be PERFECT. Its not that I am against improving myself for the better, but who decides what is good for me and what is not?

What is perfection?

According to Wikipedia (Hail Wiki! Our savior and best friend!):

The oldest definition of "perfection", fairly precise and distinguishing the shades of the concept, goes back to Aristotle. In Book Delta of the Metaphysics, he distinguishes three meanings of the term, or rather three shades of one meaning, but in any case three different concepts. That is perfect:

1. which is complete — which contains all the requisite parts;
2. which is so good that nothing of the kind could be better;
3. which has attained its purpose

Well...??

2 Months Ago:

I was depressed. I was feeling shitty thinking about the conversation I had with his mom. Her words were haunting me. "You are FAT (Oh well, she said overweight!) J. you need to lose weight." It was history repeating itself.

I looked at P. He was driving quietly. I took a long hard look at him. I could see a stick and bone figure.... So skinny...

I looked at myself. A few extra pounds, generous curves and a healthy body (The Indian one!), compared to his slight frame. "You guys WOULD make an odd couple." Said my mind.

He stopped next to my car, looked at me and smiled.

"I guess its time I left." I heard myself say, when i actually wanted to scream out loud that, I did not want to go home.. I want another long drive.! It is usually the time when I could block my mind from thinking about the repercussions of what I was doing..

"Hmm...' He said. He looked sad. He always looked sad when it was time for me to leave. "You know what J? You're such a lovely girl. It's just that you speak too much and that you need to lose some weight. You would be 'PERFECT' if you take care of these things."

I was sitting there, staring at him wondering "What the hell was THAT?"

"Umm.. OK...I will try." I said. I got down, got in my car and drove off after waving bye to him. On my way home, all I thought about was perfection. "What is perfection? Do I miss a limb or two? Is there something wrong or missing in me? Oh well.. whatever..!!"

I reached home, sat down and thought. Since the time I knew him, he has pointed out several times that i am overweight. Despite the fact , that he knew I broke off an engagement due to a debate on my physical attributes. Despite the fact that he knew it disturbed me to be judged on my appearance. I am NOT bad to look at!

Based on my conversions with him and his family, I realized that, for them, a 'perfect daughter-in-law' would be someone who is:

1. Thin like a reed.
2. Quiet like a statue.
   
3. Dressed like somebody who has stepped out of the pages of the 'Vogue'.

Well... too bad.. I don't fit that criterion! "Time to move on girl!" Said my mind.

17 March 2009, 2.45 AM:

Here I am, sitting and writing my thoughts. In past one month I have lost 2 kgs of weight. I look fit, healthy and hail (Although my generous curves still remain. the same..*sigh*...) I speak less, because I seldom have anyone to speak to. Since I don't go to work these days, I've reverted to my old jeans and t-shirts (Not even remotely fashionable!)

It's been 3 days since I have decided not to be friends with 'P'. I tried..... Gave it my best shot..... despite my friend's warnings, requests and displeasure of my family.. He is a lonely guy, few friends and a mountain load of work... I know he could use some company.. But, then again, Its quite possible that he has got used to his own company and don't really require anyone!

His presence in my life, for past one month, has been like a thorn in my ass! always hurting.


I think It's better this way, for I know I may not be PERFECT, but I am as good as it gets!

I am on a break...

So I am back..

To the square one..
To the place where I began...


Mid life crisis?
Confusion?
Boredom?

I really don't know what got me here....

Enlightenment?
Love?
Spiritual healing?
Conciliation with my soul?

I don't know what I am looking for....

But..
What I've come to know is that 'Peace' is an illusion.... always within and out of your reach....


I hope this break proves me wrong...

78mm Adventures: The Wilderness Calls

The Wilderness Calls

Why do we hate our jobs?

Job...

Something that makes me drag my weary ###### outta my bed every morning.. drive through a sea of demented drivers for 30 minutes... spend 10 hours or more staring at a an intelligent machine which can do calculations faster than i ever could and create beautiful presentations and reports... in between I juggle phones, talking to useless dumb ######!

Result: I go home every evening, tired but happy that i have something to look forward to next day and i sleep peacefully because i have a job with which i can pay my bills and have fun every evening and weekend!


Being jobless is scary.... 

Hence: Its what we make of it... Happy or unhappy is a state of mind and very much under our control 

Looking at something?

Looking at something?, originally uploaded by shivangmehta12.

Now this is what I call a cute monkey!

For reasons unexplained and unknown to me, I find monkeys cute... This one is one of the cuutest i've found so far...

The photograph has been taken by one of my colleagues. Check out more wildlife photographs from him here.

I don't get time...

I am usually too tired to think when I am home...

I have ten thousand other things to attend to...

I cant think of anything to write about...

I am bored of Internet....

I like reading books and watching more than writing...

and writing is more or less my job now...



Reasons are many...

but the truth is... i am just plain lazy...

3 years & 3 months

It just hit me...

I just realized...

Its been exactly 3 years and 3 months since I have known you!!!

3 & 3!!!

I know... I know.. its not a great deal... but for me it means 3 years & 3 months of love, affection and companionship...

I still remember the day I met you... I thought you were an ass'ole!! I was wrong.... soooo... wrong... You are not just an ass'ole.. you're also one of the most loving and adorable people I know.

We've been through so much... individually and together... but one thing remained constant.. you unwavering support... which means the world to me...

All the small things... the small talks... the small gifts.. small spats (OK OK BIG ones too!!) and the small dreams... which you've given me, define my life and existence... what would I do without you??

Thank you for changing the meaning of my life....


Hugs...

I have left a piece of my soul there...

There's nothing much to write about the 'nondescript' start of our journey. We left New Delhi around 3.30 PM. We talked a lot and stopped at various places to eat. It was around 10.30 PM that I started feeling sleepy.

I was dreaming... I could hear strains of 'Hotel California' in the background.. people in the car were singing..

They were singing about cool wind in their hair....

I could feel it on my face... cool wind and scent of pine trees.. It was making my nose twitch.. but I was too tired.. to open my eyes.. or take my arms and hands out the comfort of the woollen stole which warmed me.... It was cold... in the month of June it was positively shocking for my poor frayed nerves... I remembered the sweltering heat and sticky humidity when we left Delhi... which was abated by effective air-conditioning.... I also remembered Haldwani... which was not as bad was Delhi... but was still hot enough to bother us...

What I did not remember was falling asleep... When I heard unison of 'WOWS' a lot of times... I peeked from the corner of my eye.. noticed that the windows were open and we were in a small town...

I woke up peered out of the window and saw tall pine trees and a beautiful lake in the midst of a tiny town. It was Bhimtal. The car stopped all of us got out of the car like kids who have broken loose from their mom's apron strings and rushed towards the wrought iron railing... a place which overlooked the lake... a parking lot.. We parked the car and decided to stay the night there... It was a daunting task to look for a place to stay in the middle of the night.. we managed to check-in in a small inn.. which was near the parking lot and the lake...

Our rooms were utilitarian... no frills... we had to share a bathroom... We were too excited.. about the second leg of our journey.. which would take us to the place which was out destination... Mukteshwar.

The morning was a pain in the neck.... with just one bathroom it was difficult for all of us to brush our teeth and have a shower. We managed.... reached Bhimtal Ghaat had a quick brunch. We stayed there for some time looking at the beautiful lake and spent time aound the lake drinking in the sight....after 2-3 hours we went on our way Mukteshwar.

This time I did not sleep. The way to Mukteshwar was nothing less than enchanting... I was enjoying every bit of it... It was a long way and it took us a longer time because we were stopping every now and then! We stopped at Sargakhet... There was a Gift Shop in that small village which sold Belgian Chocolates!! And there was a campsite called 'Camp Purple' which looked pretty fancy and comfortable for a mere camp!

We went all the way up to the highest peak of Mukteshwar... stopped the car.. roamed around a bit and then looked for a place to stay (Yes.. we were foolish enough to reach there without making any prior arrangements!!) Our worst fears came true when we were unable to find a place to stay... There was a resort of some sorts.. very expensive and the rooms were not that great... We were looking for a suite where all us can crash together. Somebody suggested driving back to Sargakhet.. and yes.. We found a place to stay!

It was an inn... We managed to get their best room... It was a suite with a huge bedroom with wooden floor and a view of a garden with peach trees laden with lovely pink fruits! (They were for free!! You can eat as much as you want!) There was a nice bathroom and a tiny sitting room with french windows which opened in a balcony with the most beautiful view of the valley and mountains.

We spent 4 days in Mukteshwar... it wasn't enough to explore the place.. to discover where most of the trails ended and to drink in the fresh, clean air of the place.... Trees looked as if they have come straight out of a horror flick in the misty late afternoon... The roads floated in the clouds in the evenings and stars shone very bright in the night (i.e. when you could see them!)

Most of the days were spent in idyllic sightseeing, hiking, sitting, chatting, roaming around Sargakhet & Mukteshwar... nights were spent around a bonfire... singing, eating and drinking...

The most memorable hike was the one which we took late evening returning from a place called Chaule Ki Jaali... It was dark and we were informed that there are panthers and wild animals in the surrounding forests and they often come out on the roads... We had one torch and It was scary... We talked about ghosts and wild animals all the way...

Another exciting adventure was a natural stone platform overlooking a deep chasm.. a sheer drop of at least 5000 feet... enough to make anyone giddy...We spent close to 4 hours...sitting on that platform... doing nothing at all... It was perhaps one the most daring things I've done in my lifetime...

Soon it was time to go home....

We left... I left.... but the solitude and serenity of the place gave me time to think... rethink and decide on certain things.... I was sorry to leave...

I promised myself that I'll return... if not to take one of those numerous hikes I have missed on... to look for the piece of my soul which i left there....