I made a mistake, long time ago. I got into a relationship (It wasn't even that!) which started and ended exactly in 3 months time; there was nothing left, at the end of the three months. All that was left was a broken 'me', with a broken engagement and a stronger resolve to be independent and a desire to be accepted just the way I am.
What is funny about me is that I mostly don't learn from my mistakes (Uh.. I know it's actually stupid!). So, here I am, almost three years down the last debacle, to something similar. Thankfully, not as 'heart-wrenching' as the last one! (That's the DRAMA QUEEN in me speaking!) But, I am glad I did not end up making things as bad as they were last time!
Tell me? is it wrong to expect somebody to accept you with your flaws? I don't think so. Yet , there are people in this world who expect you to be PERFECT. Its not that I am against improving myself for the better, but who decides what is good for me and what is not?
What is perfection?
According to Wikipedia (Hail Wiki! Our savior and best friend!):
The oldest definition of "perfection", fairly precise and distinguishing the shades of the concept, goes back to Aristotle. In Book Delta of the Metaphysics, he distinguishes three meanings of the term, or rather three shades of one meaning, but in any case three different concepts. That is perfect:
- which is complete — which contains all the requisite parts;
- which is so good that nothing of the kind could be better;
- which has attained its purpose
Well...??
2 Months Ago:
I was depressed. I was feeling shitty thinking about the conversation I had with his mom. Her words were haunting me. "You are FAT (Oh well, she said overweight!) J. you need to lose weight." It was history repeating itself.
I looked at P. He was driving quietly. I took a long hard look at him. I could see a stick and bone figure.... So skinny...
I looked at myself. A few extra pounds, generous curves and a healthy body (The Indian one!), compared to his slight frame. "You guys WOULD make an odd couple." Said my mind.
He stopped next to my car, looked at me and smiled.
"I guess its time I left." I heard myself say, when i actually wanted to scream out loud that, I did not want to go home.. I want another long drive.! It is usually the time when I could block my mind from thinking about the repercussions of what I was doing..
"Hmm...' He said. He looked sad. He always looked sad when it was time for me to leave. "You know what J? You're such a lovely girl. It's just that you speak too much and that you need to lose some weight. You would be 'PERFECT' if you take care of these things."
I was sitting there, staring at him wondering "What the hell was THAT?"
"Umm.. OK...I will try." I said. I got down, got in my car and drove off after waving bye to him. On my way home, all I thought about was perfection. "What is perfection? Do I miss a limb or two? Is there something wrong or missing in me? Oh well.. whatever..!!"
I reached home, sat down and thought. Since the time I knew him, he has pointed out several times that i am overweight. Despite the fact , that he knew I broke off an engagement due to a debate on my physical attributes. Despite the fact that he knew it disturbed me to be judged on my appearance. I am NOT bad to look at!
Based on my conversions with him and his family, I realized that, for them, a 'perfect daughter-in-law' would be someone who is:
- Thin like a reed.
- Quiet like a statue.
- Dressed like somebody who has stepped out of the pages of the 'Vogue'.
Well... too bad.. I don't fit that criterion! "Time to move on girl!" Said my mind.
17 March 2009, 2.45 AM:
Here I am, sitting and writing my thoughts. In past one month I have lost 2 kgs of weight. I look fit, healthy and hail (Although my generous curves still remain. the same..*sigh*...) I speak less, because I seldom have anyone to speak to. Since I don't go to work these days, I've reverted to my old jeans and t-shirts (Not even remotely fashionable!)
It's been 3 days since I have decided not to be friends with 'P'. I tried..... Gave it my best shot..... despite my friend's warnings, requests and displeasure of my family.. He is a lonely guy, few friends and a mountain load of work... I know he could use some company.. But, then again, Its quite possible that he has got used to his own company and don't really require anyone!
His presence in my life, for past one month, has been like a thorn in my ass! always hurting.
I think It's better this way, for I know I may not be PERFECT, but I am as good as it gets!
